A look at the very real struggle single Christians often face, in light of Scripture.

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Now Sarai, Abram's wife, had borne him no children. She had a female Egyptian servant whose name was Hagar. And Sarai said to Abram, "Behold now, the Lord has prevented me from bearing children. Go in to my servant; it may be that I shall obtain children by her." And Abram listened to the voice of Sarai.So, after Abram had lived ten years in the land of Canaan, Sarai, Abram's wife, took Hagar the Egyptian, her servant, and gave her to Abram her husband as a wife. -- Genesis 16: 1-3 (ESV)

We are the forgotten brethren. The unspoken of segment of the body of Christ. The red-headed step child if you will. I remember when I started going to the annual Assemblies of God annual Men's Convention. There were always great speakers and interesting breakout sessions. After the first couple of years the organizer asked me what I thought and I responded that it would be nice if they acknowledged that single Christians exist. After all, we did not need workshops on appreciating our wives or improving our marriages. The following year they indeed had a workshop for single Christians. It was facilitated by a married Christian who told us to hold on and pray because eventually God would send the right woman. This of course did very little to address the very real struggle for Christians who are single in the church. The struggle as perceived second class citizens. The lecturing about sexual sin from people who were married and likely did not practice what they were preaching when they were single. I remember going to Saturday morning Men's Ministry and watching a four part video series about purity being taught by an 80 year old man. Is it any wonder that the single Christian not only feels isolated often within the community of Christ but simply not understood?

I have spoken to many single Christian women who report similar struggles on their side, albeit different based only upon their gender. I feel badly for single Christian women, especially younger ones. They are fed fairy tales from the world about white horses and tall towers, while the church builds up their pride with cute catch phrases about being a daughter of the King so the man who pursues them better be a prince. Not a good starting point to meet someone. Because there are no white horses and princes and princesses are the things of fiction. We are all simply sinless human beings with the same feelings, foibles and insecurities. Other young Christian women fall under very heretical teachings such as the Bridal Paradigm from places such as IHOP. In this false teaching they are taught that they personally are the bride of Christ. The result is single Christian women who seemingly thumb their noses at the notion of dating mortal men when Jesus is their husband, betrothed, fiancee, boyfriend and in some cases of really poor theology; lover. Don't believe me? Just listen to some of the lyrics from Misty Edwards, the primary worship leader from IHOP. It varies from secular sounding love songs to soft core pornography. Knowing these challenges are only half the battle beloved. The next step is to remind ourselves what the Bible says regarding the status of single Christians everywhere:

Then the LORD God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him." -- Genesis 2: 18 (ESV)

To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am.But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion. -- 1Corinthians 7: 8-9 (ESV)

Sometimes at first blush these may seem at opposition to each other but they are not. The verse from Genesis is a direct statement of fact from God regarding the state of people. It is simply not good for us to be alone. Secular studies have supported this as well. It is equally true for the concept of Christian community. We were meant to be together as a people. Unified in doctrine. I know many church-hurt Christians who have become spiritual loners. They are never better off as such. Isolated from the body, they find themselves more vulnerable to attack from the enemy and more susceptible to false teaching to lead them astray. While this Genesis verse is obviously true so are all verses in the Bible including the teaching Paul provides in the verses from First Corinthians. Paul is not disagreeing with the Genesis verse. He is making an observation of the human condition within our spiritual reality. Ideally, it would be better to not be married. Because the married person has split concerns. He or she must seek to please God and their spouse. Their attention is naturally divided, as it should be. The single Christian however has the luxury of only having to concentrate on God. All of their attention can be on the Lord. Note however that Paul does not leave it there. He provides the condition. While singleness is preferred he acknowledges the very human condition of desire, passion, and lust. He acknowledges that the general human condition is to want one another. This is not just the physical act of sex but all that it encompasses, including the emotional and spiritual side of physical intimacy. None of this is the taboo subject the church has turned it into. God created and ordained sex. While the world has certainly perverted it, the church sometimes chooses to bury it and pretend it doesn't exist as a subject to talk about or seek the wisdom of God for. The result is single Christians are often instructed to "capture their thoughts" or "think of only pure and holy things." Thanks but that is not what those verse sets are in the Bible for and it does not address our carnal desires. It sweeps it under the rug so we can move onto to topics that do not make us uncomfortable. Meanwhile the world bombards us with sexual imagery every single day and with the loosening of societal morality, it is becoming a problem at a much younger age as well.

The advice, given or perceived, that single Christians just need to see/hear/speak/ no evil when it comes to sex until marriage results in Christians mocking the seriousness and solemnity of the marital covenant they make with God. People getting married after only dating for a couple of months are very common within the church. Now, as long as both are committed believers and always keep God first this can certainly work but one needs to only look as far as the divorce rate within the body of Christ to recognize that things are simply not right.

For the bad news beloved I can offer no silver bullet. I have no special revelation given to me to magically resolve these issues and I think we need to start there as single Christians. There are no easy answers. Staying true to the Word of God is often difficult work because of our flesh. Paul is essentially admitting it in those verses from First Corinthians! The flesh wants what the flesh wants and while men may view intimacy on a more physical level and women on a more emotional level the desire and end result is still the same. Despite not having the silver bullet, we do have the Bible and God says it was given to us so that we might learn from the stories contained within. Even the stories of historical narrative, while not specifically outlining doctrine, can often provide valuable insight for us as believers and the problems we face. As I was going through today's key verses in my weekly Bible study, the Holy Spirit illuminated this subject for me. Even though the players in this story were married, the parallels can still be drawn for us today. Let us reason together and see what we can learn:

The backdrop is this beloved. When Abram was 75 the Lord made a covenant with him that He would make him into a great nation. This despite the fact that Genesis 11 has already told us that his wife Sarai could not have children. A few years later, after God delivers Abram victory in war, He reminds him of the covenant and spells out more specifically the terms.

And behold, the word of the Lord came to him: "This man shall not be your heir; your very own sonshall be your heir." And he brought him outside and said, "Look toward heaven, and number the stars, if you are able to number them." Then he said to him, "So shall your offspring be." And he believed the Lord, and he counted it to him as righteousness. -- Genesis 15: 4-6 (ESV)

Ten years later however, still childless, we come to the key verses. Let's chew on them:

Now Sarai, Abram's wife, had borne him no children. She had a female Egyptian servant whose name was Hagar. And Sarai said to Abram, "Behold now, the Lord has prevented me from bearing children. Go in to my servant; it may be that I shall obtain children by her."

Let us first dispense with the customs of the times. The obtaining of children through servants was an accepted practice. Sarai presented Hagar to Abram as a wife or in those times a "secondary wife", or concubine. As a slave, the offspring would become the property of Sarai. But dig a little deeper beloved and we will notice one glaring fact. Sarai correctly knew that the reason she had not conceived was that the Lord had prevented it. The common understanding of the day was that barrenness in women was a sign of divine judgment. I have often heard this story treated as if Sarai and Abram were trying to "help the Lord" with His promise but the reality is that it is an example of failing faith in the face of waiting for the Lord's time. This is a conspiring to circumvent the will of the Lord combined with doubting that which He has promised. Matthew Henry explains:

"16:1-3 Sarai, no longer expecting to have children herself, proposed to Abram to take another wife, whose children she might; her slave, whose children would be her property. This was done without asking counsel of the Lord. Unbelief worked, God's almighty power was forgotten. It was a bad example, and a source of manifold uneasiness. In every relation and situation in life there is some cross for us to bear: much of the exercise of faith consists in patiently submitting, in waiting the Lord's time, and using only those means which he appoints for the removal of the cross. Foul temptations may have very fair pretences, and be coloured with that which is very plausible. Fleshly wisdom puts us out of God's way. This would not be the case, if we would ask counsel of God by his word and by prayer, before we attempt that which is doubtful."

That is the first take away for us as single Christians. Faith often consists of patiently submitting. Well, what does that mean preacher? It means what Paul said in Philippians when he said that he had found godly contentment regardless of his situation. Rich, poor, starving, satisfied, shipwrecked, or even single. His contentment is focused on who God is not what Paul has. I am not suggesting this is easy but many times we can fall into relationship idolatry. We all do in the church. Whether it is congregants who idolize their pastor so much they refuse to do the work of a Berean. Mothers who idolize their children to the point where they are placed ahead of God and their spouse. Men who might idolize their friendships over their spouse. For singles it is the idolization of the relationship yet to come. There is a difference between presenting your desires to God in prayer and then trusting who He is and constantly scouring the horizon for when God was going to let this person finally come into our lives. Sarai and Abram knew full well that they not believing the Word of the Lord and while we do not have a direct audible word from God we certainly have His Word in the revealed Scripture. That word tells us that He will provide all of our needs according to His riches in glory. It tells us that a day is like a thousand years to the Lord. He is not bound by our concept of time. We also tend to forget this truth:

The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you,not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance. -- 2Peter 3: 9 (ESV)

The way Sarai and Abram counted slowness they figured God was late in keeping His promise. Ten years after all is a long time. So they decided to stop patiently waiting and took matters into their own hands. What we can also glean from this verse is the reminder that God is infinitely concerned about the salvation of the souls of men. Perhaps not as much so of the fact that all of our friends seem to be getting married around us while we are still alone. It is also a reminder of where our focus is supposed to be. On His Gospel. On the eternal destination of the people in our families, lives, and world. Not that we do not care about being single. Not that we even stop wishing for that special someone. But that we do not draw our contentment, or lack thereof, from the existence of someone in our lives. At least someone other than God. Chew on that for a second. This is the relationship idolatry we are speaking of. God wants preeminence in our lives. Even in a marriage contract, God is supposed to come first. Yet as singles we can often loft the relationship that is to come, above the God we are praying to for deliverance of it. That is what Sarai and Abram have essentially done here. The key verses conclude:

And Abram listened to the voice of Sarai.So, after Abram had lived ten years in the land of Canaan, Sarai, Abram's wife, took Hagar the Egyptian, her servant, and gave her to Abram her husband as a wife. -- Genesis 17: 1-3 (ESV)

Oh beloved do you see it? Abram listened to voice of Sarai. He did not listen to the promises God had given him. He did not listen to the covenant that God had made with him. Father of many nations. All of the earth blessed through him. That as many grains of sand on the shore would be his descendents. All from a son he would have with Sarai. Ten years and one bad suggestion and there was Abram fathering Ishmael. A wild donkey of a man the Lord decreed who would have his hand against everyone and everyone's hands against him. There is always a price to pay for disobedience beloved and not waiting on the Lord. For Abram and Sarai it would be another 13 years before God would speak. One year following this, the child of promise would be born, Isaac. From Abram when he was 100 years old and Sarai when she was 90. Impossibility within the limited confines of man but for God, anything He says He will bring to pass He can and will.

As single Christians we must listen for the voice of God in our lives. I do not mean the audible voice received by Abram. I mean the revealed will of God in His Word. After ten years of singleness we will have many voices like Sarai in our ears. Our friends will have plenty of advice. Our families will as well. Even our brethren in the church. We must weigh those voices against only one thing. What does the Lord say? In the case of Abram, when Sarai presented this idea to him he should have said that he would wait for the promise the Lord had made. Instead he listened to the voice of Sarai. Tempting though it might be in our impatience, do not look toward the Hagar someone points out to us.

That is the final point for us as single Christians today. What to do when Hagar starts to look good. From the text we know that Hagar was not what the word spoken by God promised. She was what the flesh desired. Tired of waiting, Sarai cast her eyes upon her slave and thought she could end the state of childlessness she was enduring. Often times we as singles can look out into the world and start to see options we know are not what God has said we should pursue in His Word that might end the state of singleness we are enduring. We know the Bible says we are not to be unequally yoked. We know the Bible says that light is to have no fellowship with darkness. But there is Hagar and we have been waiting too long we start to think. We start to scheme in our mind:

"Well he believes in God."

"She is a really nice person."

"If I can just get them to come to church I know they will get saved!"

"Go in to my servant; it may be that I shall obtain children by her."

The millennium may be different but human nature has not changed. Thank you for allowing me to stretch these verses a bit today. This narrative was not truly written so speak to the challenges facing single Christians but the entire canon of Scripture is good for teaching in righteousness and these stories are provided that we might learn from them. Beloved, I am not saying these are easy subjects we discuss. They are not. But if God asked us if we would still serve Him even if the child of promise/relationship of promise would never come what would we answer? Remember that even though Isaac was delivered, God eventually made Abraham decide if he was willing to sacrifice him. So if God asked us that question and we know our answer would be yes, then we need to serve Him now as such. In closing I think of the rich young ruler who idolized money in his heart over God. For some of us our relationship idolatry can be the same kind of stumbling block. We are not to put anything ahead of God.

Beloved, I am not saying that God has someone special for you if you just have patience and anyone who does is stretching what Scripture says and feeding our potential idolatry. Perhaps God has a shipwreck of solitude in store -- but will you still serve Him? Perhaps He has the poverty of loneliness in store -- but will He still be enough? Or will we start to think that maybe he has forgotten about us when Hagar starts to look good. As difficult as this is I pray we stay strong and find our contentment in Him alone.

Reverend Anthony Wade -- April 3, 2016

Authors Bio:
Credentialed Minister of the Gospel for the Assemblies of God. Owner and founder of 828 ministries. Vice President for Goodwill Industries. Always remember that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.